Whose truckers do they like?

We used to take a taxi or bobtail (a truck without a trailer) to a regular restaurant that wasn’t surrounded by big rigs when The Evil Overlord and I had some extra downtime when out on the road. They usually asked if we were having fun on holiday when the waiter or waitress figured out we were out of town.

The response was generally the same when we told them that we were not on holiday and that we were driving a truck for a living. As if caught off balance, a brief hesitation, and then a sincere expression of disbelief. And then the inevitable complement of all compliments arrived…

“You don’t look like truckers.” In The King’s words, “Thank you Thank you so much.” We’ve had that reaction from almost everyone we’ve ever said, and with crap-eating grins, it still leads us to look at each other.

Isn’t it an insult to a trucker, saying that you’re pleased that you don’t look like a trucker? Aren’t you all proud to be folk truckers? Not really, given the credibility truckers have as a whole, true or not true reputation.

I hate to admit it but in our heads, we all have a stereotypical trucker running around.

A trucker hat, a flannel top, beer gut suspenders, cowboy boots, unshaven, poor B.O. case, bad breath, and a deep Southern drawl slipping past the smoke and a few gold teeth left. There’s no wonder. That’s the way we’re represented in practically every movie and TV show, with the exception of BJ and the Bear, who was a real spectator. I say, BJ. I’m not into beastliness. Then again I’m just not into guys.

Here, I must make a confession. I have been accused of two of those stereotypical trucker characteristics in my lifetime: the suspenders dangling off my sides in the ’80s (hey, I was stylin’, man) and the flannel shirt during the grunge era of the ’90s. Laws for Alice in Chains! Ok, I think that ages me pretty much, huh?

The Wicked Overlord would also want you to note that she looked amazing in her 80’s ensemble in her mega-huge belts, miniskirts, and Madonna lace. Man I hope that I will live to complete this novel. However, she did look awesome in that getup. In her senior yearbook, she also received the ‘Shortest Skirt’ award. The miniskirts. Let me tell you now What? And where am I? Uh, Whew! Is it really sticky here? Wooo. Wooo. Daddy wants a shower in the cold.

Seriously, I’ve met a lot of these stereotype truckers, too. You’ve smelled them too I’m sure. I say, they were “met”. But the truckers don’t all look, talk, and smell like that.

“Some of the truckers’ “new breed” look like your Joe everyday.

If he hadn’t told you he was driving a tractor, you would never have known. Just look at The Overlord of Evil. She looks as much like a trucker as Steve Martin looks like a “bad black boy.” Go rent the movie The Jerk if you are too young to understand the joke. You would not regret that.

Well and look at me. I looked more like a gay yuppie than a truck driver during my early trucking years, according to The Wicked Overlord, due largely to my hairstyle at the moment. Perhaps there’s more about it. After all, for the whole two years we’ve been living in Dallas, I’ve never been struck by a single girl, but I’ve been followed by many gay men.

I had one escort me home from work one night and wait outside my apartment waving his headlights at me. Another day on my car, I got an anonymous note telling me in vivid detail what they would like to do to me. A Maggot’s Gag! Later on, I found out it was a man I met. He said he was joking, but I wasn’t so sure about The Dark Overlord and I.

The Wicked Overlord thinks it’s funny and gut-wrenching that gay men are investigating me. I don’t find it funny at all however, because I have the sexual prowess of Bond in my own head… James Bond, not Liberace. It’s women who should be lusting for a mountain of masculinity like me not gay guys, for cryin ‘out loud.

Even I am questioning whether or not it’s a negative idea to dress like a gay yuppie. Every gay yuppie I’ve ever seen, after all is generally good-looking and pretty buff, so so maybe I should just stop before it gets any weirder. Where’ve I been? Yeahh, yeahh.

My point is that to become a truck driver, you should strive to banish that “film trucker” from your mind and remember you don’t have to own a rebel flag and a coon dog. It’s also all right if you’re cleaning your teeth. You should be completely normal and drive a truck regardless.

Add Comment